The following is a chronology of me watching Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. All times are approximate.
Movie Start minus 3 minutes, 23 seconds — Why is there a commercial for "Joey" before the movie? Is that show still on? If so, why?
MS-2:09 — Another television ad, this time for a DVD set of "Will and Grace." I like movie previews, but what's with the TV ads? Man, that Jack guy is annoying. He's kind of a Stepin Fetchit for the gays.
MS+1:04 — Finally, the movie is starting. I forget, what was the original Bridget Jones about? All I remember is her kicking drug dealers' butts and wearing a big afro. Oh, wait...that was "Cleopatra Jones."
MS+10:58 — Already bored. Not a good sign.
MS+18:34 — Renée Zellweger looks completely dreadful. Horrible hair and bloated, unhealthy-looking body; ill-fitting and unflattering clothes. I used to think people were being superficial when they commented on actors' looks, but I've changed my mind. They're supposed to look good, or at least not bad. That's their job. God made the human form beautiful, and there's nothing wrong with appreciating it.
MS+22:27 — Not only is she bad looking, she makes it worse with her personality. She keeps talking about sex — not romance, but the act itself, and how wonderful it is that she's found someone to copulate with her. Needy, neurotic, paranoid and charmless...what man wouldn't want that?
Her boyfriend, Colin Firth, would be screaming and running away from her if he were a real person.
MS+24:20 — Hugh Grant! Finally! I want to dislike you because you are far more suave and handsome than I am, but you are hilarious and charming. Surely you will make this movie more bearable for me.
MS+49:31 — Tomorrow I should clean the garage...I wonder if there will be time to weed the front garden, because it sure needs it...does Chris need his air compressor back?...I think it's time for a glass of port....
MS+1:00:09 — I have now spent an entire hour watching this vulgar slattern. Where are you, Hugh? Come back and do something amusing!
MS+1:17:02 — She is not leading those Thai girls in a song-and-dance number to Madonna's "Like a Virgin." I'm going to the bathroom.
MS+1:31:51 — Why are Hugh and Colin fighting over that woman? Now Paige is telling me that this is like the fight from the first movie, of which I have almost no recollection.
MS+1:43: — At last, the end credits. I have no problem with "date movies" per se, nor do I hate the "chick flick" proper, but this movie was truly a pandering piece of tripe. I wish we had watched "The Incredibles" again, and I bet Paige does, too.
