From a source that would prefer to remain anonymous.
Advent
A time to implement various, innovative ways of including dogs, cats, gerbils, small children and dancing nuns in the lighting of a wreath with four candles.
Ash Wednesday
A very special day since the congregation gets to sing "Ashes."
Cantor
The liturgical cheerleader that by the juxtaposition of their charisma, talent and poise can render any congregation mute.
Choir
A group containing at least 3 guitars, a flute and a person holding a plastic, half-moon shaped tambourine. Does not need to include actual singers.
David Haas
The Thomas Tallis of the post-Vatican II era.
Easter Vigil
Four hours of "full and active participation" containing lots of Haugen, Haas and liturgical dancing.
Funeral
A celebration of the 5 songs we do over and over again in order to make the event a truly joyous occasion.
Gregorian Chant
Who let Greg in here?!? Call security!
Guitar, Tambourine, Flute
The organ of the post-Vatican II era.
Holy Thursday
The one time of year to wash womens' feet during Mass.
Hymn
A homonym for a word that cannot be used to describe the nature of or refer to the Supreme Diety.
Inculturation
The act of the congregation of a large suburban parish singing songs that originate from Subsahara Africa, the Caribbean or the Far East. Inculturation is particularly effective where there is no one from the place of origin of the song present. See Self-congratulation.
Improperia
Latin for the Good Friday Reproaches, to be replaced with the "Good Friday Affirmations" by Marty Haugen.
Kyrie Eleison
Isn't this latin? Get it out of here now.
Latin
Not the vernacular and therefore to be despised as both useless and discriminatory toward non-Latin congregants.
Lent
The period starting with "Ashes" and ending with the washing of Women's feet.
Liturgical Dance
The proper function of nuns over 50 who took one semester of Modern Dance at a local community college. To be effective, it must contain the element of surprise, that is - when the liturgical dance begins, at least 73% of the congregation must stare dumbstruck at the spectacle. Seeking permission of the pastor or ordinary to engage in liturigcal dance is not recommended.
Marty Haugen
The Palestrina of the post-Vatican II era.
Microphone
An amplification device that works best if placed between the cantor's tonsils.
Organ
Something to donate when you die.
Palestrina, di Lasso, Tallis, de Victoria, Gabrielli
All dead.
Participation
Measured in decibels with a direct correlation to the amount of self-congratulation that occurs following the Mass. Also something to harp on over and over until the congregation gets it right or the pastor removes the acoustical tile meant to deaden the sound in the church.
Ratzinger, Josef Cardinal
Evil man and enemy. Dares to write about liturgy even though he didn't get a Masters at Notre Dame.
Sacrament of Reconciliation
A communal celebration to acknowledge the faults of those who don't agree with us.
Sanctuary
A place generally around the altar that is meant for small children, dogs, gerbils, banners, flowers, signs and dancing nuns.
Self-Congratulation
A right and proper act that should be performed by the liturgist following the execution of liturgical dance or inculturation. Also occurs at liturgy conferences when colleagues are regaled with stories of what happened on Holy Thursday or the Easter Vigil.
This is from the department of Sad But True.
My own pastor can be heard loudly changing the "he" and "him" to "God" and the "his" to "God's" in our hymns. He has a conniption when we do Latin, even though we print the translation in the program.
But we all have our crosses to bear. Surprisingly he's a good preacher, and usually not too heretical in the content. He gave an excellent sermon about how parents are responsible for teaching and modeling the Church's teaching on the role of sex within marriage rather than expecting Father to do it all.
Like everyone else, he's a mixture of good and bad.
Johnathan, our religious sister says "God" very loudly in place of all male references. I can hear her from across the church. If I am near her (she doesn't attend every week - she goes to a lot of conferences and spiritual gatherings) I try and say "HIM" or "HE" or whatever loudly also to drown her out - quite childish of me, but she doesn't seem to like it when I ask her to stick with the program (yes, I said it nicer than that).
Isn't it sad we're forced to drown out the malcontents that refuse to be faithful to approved translations? It would be one thing if the translation was way off, it's quite another when passage after passage in the Bible refers to God in the masculine form. Sister - do you really think that you can undo that by making replacements and doing the prayers at the top of your lungs?
This stuff has even infected Jewish congregations. A friend of mine (whom I dearly love, although he's the original Red-Diaper Baby) just shakes his head when his wife brings out the "Womyn's Haggadah" for Passover, which has all gender-neutral Deity and the daughters asking the gender-neutralized questions.
And the Rabbi at the local congregation has given in to the gender feminists -- using an "updated" prayer book that glosses in Rachel, Rebecca and Leah after the Patriarchs: "Elohei Avroham, Elohei Yitzchok, vElohei Yaakov, Elohei Recha, Elohei Leah, vElohei Rivkah." It turns the stomach.
Again, loudly editing the masculine pronouns out of the Hyrhs isn't going to help Wommyn, nor will it neutralize four thousand years of tradition.
I had to laugh at the definition given for Cardinal Ratzinger. I know a priest who threw his "Masters of Liturgy from Notre Dame" credentials in my face once, when I had expressed concerns about a liturgical abuse taking place at that parish. Of course, knowing ND, that did nothing to make me feel what was happening was therefore, ok.
BTW, Todd's not going to like this blog. :-)
Todd who?
The first time my (Lutheran) wife heard this go on at church, she turned to me and said, "What are they going to do when they get to the Circumcision of Jesus?"
Reform Judaism is going through the same thing. My mother-in-law is ready to change synagogues because she's so tired of the guitars and sappy pop songs they now do at the Friday night services.
To our anonymous contributor:
I especially appreciated the "Kyrie Eleison" entry. ;-)
This post is funny, but in a sad kind of way because it's so true. Cathy, I have the same experience at Mass...I can always tell when a nun is sitting near me because they are always replacing the male pronoun with the word "God" at the top of their lungs!! I, too, often have the childish reaction of loudly saying "him" or "he".
It also makes me kind of raise an eyebrow when the same crowd who won't allow in one Latin word, are all joining in at the top of their voices to sing a Spanish hymn at an English Mass. It doesn't bother me, but I wonder why Latin is a problem and other non-English languages aren't? A friend of mine is a DRE at a local parish and she upset the school principal because she included a Latin hymn for First Communion. The argument was that the children were way too young to be overwhelmed with Latin.
Kudos, but I didn't see an entry for Tabernacle: The dusty little box in the broom closet that visitors keep trying to find.