Wanted: Director of Divine Justice

I grew up going to Good Shepherd, and was too young to realize I was attending a "dynamic, Vatican II, mulitcultural parish."

I'm not sure how I stumbled on this, but they are advertising for a "Director of Social Justice" which has to empower "parishioners to become active in outreach and care of others, the community and our world."

It's really a charity director position. But the folks at Good Shepherd need to make it sound more Vatican II by calling it "Director of Social Justice." And "Social Justice" implies there's a disparity of income that is by its nature unfair, which I'm sure the folks at Good Shepherd believe.

So I thought - if they can have a Director of Social Justice, then when can't another parish have a Director of Divine Justice?

And here's the job announcement.

DIRECTOR OF DIVINE JUSTICE – St. Peter Parish seeks a dynamic, self-starter to plan, organize, and execute the parish’s Divine Justice activities. The Director of Divine Justice provides leadership and organizational resources for the infusion of reprimands, castigations and retributions associated with all manner of sins. The applicant must be trained and experienced in various methods of chastisements such as plagues, famine, & catastrophic weather events.

Experience with ice storms in early May and Thundersnow on the day after Thanksgiving is a plus.

The Director of Divine Justice must be capable of and willing to collaborate with various angelic choirs for the purposes of carrying out divinely ordained penalties.

The candidate should inspire dread and panic by his very presence and help turn even the most hardened sinner into a true penitent.

A bachelors degree is theology, philosophy, or Old Testament Scripture studies is required, with experience in the following areas a plus:

Turning rivers to blood, spreading pestilence, carrying out hail storms that include fire, and unnatural darkness.
Smaller-scale chastisements including but not limited to having an annoying neighbor, praying a group rosary with someone who does the prayers too slowly, and dry meatloaf.

Applicant must demonstrate particular experience in chastising wayward liturgists by way of ecclesiastical rigidity and/or irritable bowel syndrome. The applicant must be just in his mercy and merciful in his justice. But not too much.

Due to the universal nature of divine retribution, no special language skills are required.
Submit cover letter, resume, three letters of recommendations from either Cherubim or Seraphim and photos of the results of your past castigations to the search committee via US Mail. No calls.