Movies you won’t see anytime soon

Here are some movie plot elements that you won’t see very often on the big screen:
1. After working really hard to win a sports competition, the underachieving underdog loses big time. Seeing how much he has embarrassed himself and his family, he realizes that hard work is much more important than raw talent.
2. The handsome rich guy in a romantic comedy turns out to be a well-read, sensitive man, and the poorer guy is a jerk who doesn’t deserve the girl.
3. Braving the catcalls of people who say she can’t succeed, the spunky girl tries to beat the boys in _____, but she can’t hack it. She realizes that each sex has unique, unchanging strengths and weaknesses.
4. The (only) prominent black character is soft-spoken and reserved, and never offers any sassy comments or homespun wisdom. He neither dances nor sings. He likes harp music.
5. The fundamentalist Bible-thumping preacher is someone who truly cares about his congregation and community, not a skirt-chasing hypocrite. (Exception: John Lithgow in “Footloose.”)
6. The wife of a good yet slightly boring husband rejects her would-be lover, because she thinks that “boring” doesn’t justify betraying her spouse. Realizing that even the best sex in the universe won’t make her feel any less unfulfilled, she dedicates her life to serving others. (Contra “Bridges of Madison County,” “English Patient,” ad nauseum.)
7. The setting: Suburbia USA, where underneath the facade of well-kept lawns and red-brick houses lurks a deep spiritual satisfaction, as well as familial bliss.

12 comments

  1. #2 The Philadelpha Story? The jerk is not poor but came up from the bottom while the rich guy had his wealth left to him.

  2. I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions — I changed the first sentence to read “you won’t see very often” instead of “will never see” — but the exceptions don’t disprove the Rules. And one of the Rules is that all rich guys are Arrogant and they don’t deserve their Woman.

  3. Actually Eric, concerning no. 5, there was a great X-Files episode in which the raving fundie madman who appeared out to attack a kid who performed miracles turned out, at the end, to be sent by God to protect the kid from the what appeared at first to be sane individual (who was actually a disguised new age freak out to kill the kid).

  4. Pete:
    1. Unless you’re talking about the “X-Files” movie, that’s television! Not that they’re much better.
    2. If you can find me another plot like that in a movie, I’ll sacrifice a hundred bulls in your honor.

  5. 8. Any movie where the Catholic Church and/or a Catholic Priest is shown in a good light and follows the tenents of the faith.

  6. Re: 1 One might argue that Rudy was a refutation of this – esp. the bit about hard work being more important than talent.
    Re: 2 Pretty Woman – the poor guys were drug dealers and pimps, and the rich guy was actually compassionate.

  7. John (post No.8)
    End of Days was not too harsh on the Church, and as part of the premise, the RCC was the only organization that knew what Satan was really up to and was out to stop him.

  8. Bridget Jones wasn’t too far off from the rich guy = good guy thing. Of course, both her suitors were well off.

  9. I’ve wanted to write something on the theme of your No. 9, actually. In case I ever want to get into fiction…

  10. re: #2, see the amazing success of Colin Firth’s portrayal of Mr Darcy in the BBC/ A&E adaption of Pride and Prejudice. I haven’t read Bridget Jones or seen the movie, but I’m told that Bridget and her girlfriends are smitten by Firth’s Darcy, so casting him in the movie is an in-joke.

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