Category: Amusements

And only 30 until St. Nicholas Day, if you like to give presents then!
Here’s a cute item: the Nuns Having Fun calendar.

Well, yes:
A wedding at Wal-Mart just seemed like the perfect fit.

Georgetown University has an incipient music program (the orchestra has no trombonists, which confines them to playing the first three movements of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony and a bunch of Haydn). Guess where the Jesuits decided to put them for ensemble rehearsals as well as individual practice? In the basement of the New North building, directly underneath the Department of Theology’s study area. Apparently there has been some tension. Can’t imagine why.

From a source that would prefer to remain anonymous.
Advent
A time to implement various, innovative ways of including dogs, cats, gerbils, small children and dancing nuns in the lighting of a wreath with four candles.
Ash Wednesday
A very special day since the congregation gets to sing “Ashes.”
Cantor
The liturgical cheerleader that by the juxtaposition of their charisma, talent and poise can render any congregation mute.
Choir
A group containing at least 3 guitars, a flute and a person holding a plastic, half-moon shaped tambourine. Does not need to include actual singers.
David Haas
The Thomas Tallis of the post-Vatican II era.
Easter Vigil
Four hours of “full and active participation” containing lots of Haugen, Haas and liturgical dancing.
Funeral
A celebration of the 5 songs we do over and over again in order to make the event a truly joyous occasion.
Gregorian Chant
Who let Greg in here?!? Call security!
Guitar, Tambourine, Flute
The organ of the post-Vatican II era.
Holy Thursday
The one time of year to wash womens’ feet during Mass.
Hymn
A homonym for a word that cannot be used to describe the nature of or refer to the Supreme Diety.
Inculturation
The act of the congregation of a large suburban parish singing songs that originate from Subsahara Africa, the Caribbean or the Far East. Inculturation is particularly effective where there is no one from the place of origin of the song present. See Self-congratulation.
Improperia
Latin for the Good Friday Reproaches, to be replaced with the “Good Friday Affirmations” by Marty Haugen.
Kyrie Eleison
Isn’t this latin? Get it out of here now.
Latin
Not the vernacular and therefore to be despised as both useless and discriminatory toward non-Latin congregants.
Lent
The period starting with “Ashes” and ending with the washing of Women’s feet.
Liturgical Dance
The proper function of nuns over 50 who took one semester of Modern Dance at a local community college. To be effective, it must contain the element of surprise, that is – when the liturgical dance begins, at least 73% of the congregation must stare dumbstruck at the spectacle. Seeking permission of the pastor or ordinary to engage in liturigcal dance is not recommended.
Marty Haugen
The Palestrina of the post-Vatican II era.
Microphone
An amplification device that works best if placed between the cantor’s tonsils.
Organ
Something to donate when you die.
Palestrina, di Lasso, Tallis, de Victoria, Gabrielli
All dead.
Participation
Measured in decibels with a direct correlation to the amount of self-congratulation that occurs following the Mass. Also something to harp on over and over until the congregation gets it right or the pastor removes the acoustical tile meant to deaden the sound in the church.
Ratzinger, Josef Cardinal
Evil man and enemy. Dares to write about liturgy even though he didn’t get a Masters at Notre Dame.
Sacrament of Reconciliation
A communal celebration to acknowledge the faults of those who don’t agree with us.
Sanctuary
A place generally around the altar that is meant for small children, dogs, gerbils, banners, flowers, signs and dancing nuns.
Self-Congratulation
A right and proper act that should be performed by the liturgist following the execution of liturgical dance or inculturation. Also occurs at liturgy conferences when colleagues are regaled with stories of what happened on Holy Thursday or the Easter Vigil.

“Would you like the senior discount?”
No, Miss, it’s a little early for that.
Heavens. Either the 55-and-up set is looking good these days, or I’m really decrepit for 45.