Philosophers answer the perennial question: “Does a bear crap in the woods?”

Written by a couple of seminarians who shall remain nameless!
Warning: if you are offended by liberal use of the word “crap” don’t continue reading!

Empedicles “Crap is a work of love and strife.”
Anaximander “The Urstoff of crap is boundless.”
Anaxgoras “The bear brings out hidden crap.”
Atomists “The bear takes a small, indestructible crap.”
The Pythagoreans “Let us measure the crap.”
Epicurus “The bear craps if it feels good.”
Protagoras “Crap is the measure of all things.”
Gorgias “No crap exists. If crap exists, we can’t know it. If we can know crap, we can’t move it.”
Heraclitus “You can’t step in the same crap twice.”
Parmenides “There is no crapping, only unchanging crap.”
Zeno “Crap is absurd.”
Socrates “I don’t know crap.”
Plato “The bear recalls what it has eaten.”
Aristotle “The bear took potential crap and actualized it.”
Psuedo-Denys “We cannot say what crap is, only what crap is not.”
Augustine “I take a crap on God every time I sin.”
Anselm “The greatest crap we can conceive must exist.”
Thomas Aquinas “I answer that, (43 volumes later…) exitus, yes, the bear does crap.”
Occam “The simplest explanation is that the bear craps in the woods.”
Duns Scotus “The bear is indifferent to crap.”
John Locke “The crap of the bear is rightly his property, unless he craps so much that it goes to waste.”
Descartes “I know I am a thing that craps. Ursus vescitur, ergo stercorat.”
Rousseau “Let your bear crap.”
Hume “We can’t observe all instances of bears crapping in the woods.”
Kant “Crap has no real content, it’s something we impose on the world.”
Kierkegaard “It is the duty of every bear to crap.”
Hegel “We create the crap in our own minds.”
Nietzsche “The bear is dead. You and I have killed him.”
Sartre “The world is crap.”
Marx “The bear is alienated from his crap.”
Merleau-Ponte “The bear is condemned to crap.”
Voeglin “It is a flowing presence of crap.”
A.J. Ayer “I am logically positive that a bear craps in the woods. I was there.”
Quine “We can’t know crap by induction.”
Maritain “We have an intuition of crap.”
Stanley Jaki “Why are you bothering me with this crap?