Author: Alexandra Baldwin
Jargon Watch
Seen in fashionable bulletins about town (especially towns under the jurisdiction of Richmond, VA) this new name for confession:
‘Sacrament Interviews’
I guess you come in for the interview to see if you have any sins to confess. Or, maybe I read it wrong and it is actually an exciting new program (begun under Bishop Walter ‘Where’s my Rainbow Sash?’ Sullivan, of course) where the ‘kreative’ among us can propose a modern Sacrament to replace the mean, judgemental one we have right now. Perhaps something with puppies… everyone LOVES puppies!
If to name something is to give it power, then what happens when you re-name it? (I know, I know, ask the Pro-Abortion Lobby.)
Jesus Tastes Better with Crisco
Being, as you know, the sole licensee of the well-loved ‘Kreative Katholic Kuisine with Sister Nuevo Mary’ cook- (kook?)book, I was appalled, yes, appalled to see the following recipe for Eucharistic Bread lifted from the above mentioned publication and pinned ostentatiously on the bulletin board of Christ the King Church in Abingdon, VA:
Sift Together: 2 c. stirred whole wheat flour
½ c. sifted white four
¾ tsp baking soda
Cut into above until crumbly: 2 rounded Tbsp. Crisco
Mix into above: 1 c. cold water
1 Tbsp. Honey (generous tbsp.)
(The directions for baking follow. *N.B. for N.O.: Blame them. I just copied it down as I found it.)
Now, I am sure that you have as many questions as I do. First, let me ask the question that all you armchair Mr. Wizards are thinking right now: How DO you make unleavened bread with baking soda? Oh, and is it really true that Crisco was widely available to the Jews when they were first directed to make the Passover bread? What is a generous tablespoon?
Now, of course, for those of you who have some sort of problem with ‘illicit’ and ‘invalid’ matter (what’s wrong with you?) you can see from the pop-up photo below that I took before Mass that BOTH kinds of matter (you know, the valid and the invalid) are available. But how would you make sure you got the Consecrated Host (and not just some bread) when you went up for Communion? When the Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion (which, for those of you who attend Christ the King and other such churches, is the CORRECT term) holds up that crumbly piece of Harvest Cake and says: “The Body of Christ.” Do you say (politely, of course): “No, its NOT.” Or do you simply say, as if you were at a fine restaurant, “No, I believe I’ll have Jesus, please.”
My husband and I usually go into North Carolina for Mass on Sundays whenever we are visiting in the Diocese of Richmond, but my father had assured us that Christ the King had a new priest.
Well, they didn’t.
The pastor there is still, but not for too much longer, Father Bob Krenic (he’s moving to some other lucky parish at the end of this month. I wonder how his new flock will react to his bag of tricks, such as: skipping the ‘Gloria’ every Sunday, changing the words of the Liturgy to suit his mood, encouraging everyone to join hands as if they were at an ‘Up With People’ rally, generally denying the Catholic faithful their right to the Mass, etc.)
Usually I wouldn’t name the priest or parish involved in such ridiculous and pitiful Liturgical shenanigans, but when I wrote Bishop Walter “French Leave” Sullivan about Fr. Krenic’s kooky Liturgical predilections a few years ago, he assured me (rather frostily too, I might add) that he, the bishop, stood behind him, Fr. Krenic, all the way. So, I figure, if Sullivan is pleased with the big doings in Abingdon, he’ll be happy to have them posted up on the Internet for everyone to see.
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Sometimes a Cigar is Just a Cigar. Sometimes…
At a recent Baccalaureate (Debacle-laureate?) one of the ‘spiritual representatives’ (btw, there were NO priests) told those of us assembled about his church’s ‘Peace Pole’.
“What is it?” I hear many of you cry, anxious to be Enlightened At Last. Really, if you hadn’t let you subscription to Commonweal lapse, you would already know… but I will tell you anyway. The ‘classic’ pole (so designated by the Peace Poles website) is approximately 8 feet high, with four sides. Each side has the message “Let Peace Prevail on Earth” inscribed on a brass plate in a different language. Really, the choice of languages to choose from is appaling… I mean amazing. It goes from Albanian to Zuni, with everything in between. Of course, for some of the more exotic languages (exotic to us, not to the 50 people who speak them) you can expect to pay $28.00 extra (I wonder if the Holy Spirit charged extra for His services to the few speakers of Ibo who were present in the crowds at Pentecost?)
Why didn’t I think of this? How did I miss out on this astonishingly simple plan to make a billion dollars by simply going to one of the 43 Home Depot locations near me and buying some oversized tomato stakes and a wood-burning kit?
Well, anyway, after you choose which four languages you want to have screwed to your pole, you have to choose the finish: glossy white, glossy black, or your choice of three different resins (I know what you are thinking, but, no, Ikea doesn’t make the poles.) Of course, all peace poles are crafted out of renewable resources (apparently, a peace pole made out of Brazilian rosewood would be a spiritual Faux Pas) and come in a variety of finishes. For the Very Diverse, there is an octagonal pole, which sports an impressive 8 languages of your choice! And all of this for a mere $1,300.00! The Peace Pole Maintenance Kit is an additional $20.00.
If planting a wooden stake in your front yard isn’t your thing (well, what’s wrong with you?) you can order a variety of other products. There are mini-peace poles to put on your desk… the website doesn’t say if these are as effective as the full size model. There are pencils and tote bags and a full line of clothing (for you, not the pole.)
All I can say is that I know GIA is Kicking Themselves over missing out on this. Watch for a slew of Marty Haugen anthems, suitable to be sung in the shade of the Peace Pole.
St. Blog’s in the news
Mark Shea has a terrific article in Crisis Magazine this month all about blogging and St. Blog’s parish! If you aren’t already a subscriber, you can read it next month on the website.