I was reading an interesting article the other day, one which I now wish I had bookmarked. The crux of the piece is that most boys tend towards either wimpiness or barbarianism, whereas true manliness is found as a happy medium between these two extremes. Since most boys won’t find this happy medium on their own, however, they need fathers to guide the course and correct them were needed.
Unfortunately, because divorce is rampant in today’s society and fatherhood has been greatly devalued, we’re seeing a generation of boys grow into either barbarians or wimps. This reminded me of a couple of incidents, the first from my college days and the second from my primary school days.
Back in college one of my best friends was a male librarian. He immensely enjoyed the library sciences and had hoped to make a career out of it. When I asked him why he had returned to college to study some other discipline, he replied bluntly: “Because all the other male librarians with whom I worked were homosexual. As a heterosexual I got sick of 1) being stereotyped a homosexual by the general population; 2) being stereotyped a homosexual by other male librarians trying to pick me up when we would get together as male librarians, and 3) always being exposed to the homosexual chatter from the other guys at librarian conferences that basically amounted to size and how it was (mis)managed.”
Concerning the third point, I am not and have never been homosexually inclined. Yet for some reason the topic seemed — albeit in a manner much less promiscuous — vaguely familiar. Where had I experienced these as topics of conversation before? The answer hit me the other day while conversing with another orthodox Catholic author. I was explaining how, from my Tribunal experience, homosexuality is often linked to narcistic personalities. The same goes with certain acts of a solitary nature.
“Yeah, that was one of my favorite activities when I was fourteen,” the individual replied. “I prayed about it because I knew it was wrong, but what really stopped me was when my dad caught me. He embarrassed the heck out of me.”
And this takes me back to when my dad was studying for the permanent diaconate. The families of the candidates would travel once a month to a town located in the middle of the diocese. Here our parents took classes while some of the men and ladies from the local KofC organized events and babysat for the families at the local Catholic school where our parents studied. One morning, in the boys’ change room at the gymnasium, I was hanging out with the other boys who fell between the ages of eight and ten. For whatever reason, we began to compare the size of something other than the floor hockey equipment we had been using out on the gym floor. One of the younger brothers told on us and we got caught.
Our fathers were called out from their classes to correct the situation, and they did. First they dealt with us collectively, then each father took his son somewhere private to deal with the issue individually. We were told, both individually and collectively, that what we had done is wrong, that certain things were to remain private, that this is not how Catholic men behave, that they as candidates to the diaconate were embarrassed at having their classes interupted because of our misdeeds, that a priest was being made available for our confession, etc… Our fathers really stuck together on this issue and continued to embarrass the heck out of us for the rest of the weekend. Additionally, there was no peer support since we were all separated for the remainder of the weekend.
Although resentful at the time, we were fortunate to have fathers who told us “to grow up”. Men don’t engage in certain behavior and our fathers let us know where we crossed the line. I’ve heard a lot of similar stories from other guys. In one case, with a friend who grew up without a father in the inner cities, and whose entire gang had been stopped by the police one evening for minor acts of mischief, it was the drill sergeant in the Marine Corps who administered the correction. With another friend in a similar situation, it was his football coach.
Which makes me wonder whether, in many cases, homosexuality is simply a progression from a sophomoric jocularity that went uncorrected. Boys will be boys. Which is why they need fathers (backed up by coaches and drill sergeants) to turn them into men. Where boys don’t have men to guide them into manhood, young women suffer. For they end up having to choose between barbarians who treat them as sexual objects, or wimps who need to be mothered.
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The article to which you refer is called “Wimps and Barbarians,” and it’s at
http://www.claremont.org/writings/crb/winter2003/moore.html
…and as the resident Marine, I should offer a small correction: the Army has “drill sergeants,” Marines have “drill instructors.”
and women, who long for acceptance and love from a father, will find a substitute in a father-figure — and if that father-figure is a wimp or barbarian, God help them.
just another vicious cycle brought to you by the feminist movement and the culture of death.
Pete, I wonder if you’ve read Homosexuality and Hope, a statement released by the Catholic Medical Association. The reason I ask is because the CMA links homosexuality with the lack of a father figure, as you do, but not for the same reasons… at least, I don’t think you mean the same thing they do.
According to the CMA (and I’m paraphrasing here, probably pretty badly), there is a crucial developmental period in which a boy should have a father figure to bond with. If this bonding does not occur, either by the father’s absence or because he’s abusive or some such, this can lead to a breakdown in friendships with male peers later in life. Because the mind does need companionship with those of the same sex, it will attempt to fill this “void” caused by the lack of a father figure and male peers. The CMA asserts that homosexuality is the disordered attempt of the mind to fill the void left where important and natural male relationships should be.
As you’d know if you read my blog, I have same-sex attractions (but I choose not to act on them because I’m Catholic). I also grew up mostly without my father, and although it was not a problem early in life, later in life I had trouble making friends with those of the same sex. When I read this statement by the CMA, it was as if I was reading a history of my life so far. I’m convinced that the CMA is right, that the lack of these natural male relationships can lead the mind to seek male companionship in an unnatural way. The only way to remedy it, then, may be to satisfy the mind’s need for male companionship with valid and natural relationships.
Anyway, I just thought that would interest you.
Hey Nathan-
Another Catholic with ssa, eh? I’ll have to check out your blog. I also think that a lot of homosexuality is caused by an absent, or even just severely disconnected, father, but I think that the boy’s own innate personality comes into play. Those young boys who are naturally sensitive and introverted, it seems to me, are more likely to internalize the loss and seek compensation for it sexually, whereas those who are less sensitive and more outgoing might express their pain some other way (joining a gang or what not).
Sadly, the very visceral reaction that most people have towards homosexuality (i.e. disgust, revulsion, estrangement), in my opinion, only accentuates the orientation. My own ssa was most pronounced when I was most estranged from platonic male relationships, yet now that I have an adequate supply of non-sexual male relationships, it’s nearly- well, I don’t want to say non-existent (I still find men physically beautiful and I don’t really see anything wrong with that). It’s more accurate to say that my appreciation for male beauty no longer translates into a physical desire (i.e. the idea of actually having sex with that beautiful man kind of grosses me out). I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone, really, but that’s how I feel God intended me to be, and so I’m happy.
My letter to our local catholic paper on the subject:
Those of us who are mothers of boys recognize that their boisterous aggression needs to be channeled into positive virtues, so that they become neither wimps nor bullies. Too often boys are taught that they need to be “good” i.e. to be are passive and quiet. This is a mistake. It leaves no positive role model for boys to use their aggression for good, and such boys are left with the promiscuous, aggressive or drug addicted Hollywood/sports star to emulate as a role model.
When society respects masculine virtues, real men use their strength to defend the weak, to work at an honest job, and to support and respect the women in their lives. And yes, this includes being able to shoot to keep the peace, whether one is a policeman in Tulsa, a Marine in Monrovia, or a missionary in a warzone carrying a gun on an ambulance…
The best definition of masculine virtues can be found in Peggy Noonan’s essay about the 911 firefighters: ‘these men were the rough repositories of grace. They were the goodness that comes out when society is cracked open. They were responsible. They did their job under heavy fire, stood their ground, claimed new ground, (and) moved forward…’
How often do we see the media’s presentation of the clergy as weaklings who are too holy to recognize evil let alone oppose it with any strength. Yet several priests were with the firefighters on 911, when society cracked open, and one died standing his ground.
Thank God we don’t usually require such physical courage in our priests and bishops, but we do need another type of courage: To be responsible for nourishing their spiritual family despite the heavy fire of press ridicule and the criticism of the politically correct, and to stand their ground and move forward to preach the gospel in a society that is breaking open from sin and corruption.
Marc, I can only hope that I get to where you are with your SSAs. It’s good to know that there are people out there who have gotten to that point, it gives me hope that I’ll be able to eventually, as well.
Good comments and interesting post.