This is totally off the topic of scandals, bishops, crises, and Catholics. I have lost 35 pounds since the beginning of April. No one pray to St. Anthony that I find them again. I’m not telling the world in order to get a pat on the back. I’m writing about this to convince all of you that the Gap is run by a bunch of skinny fascists. For a while there I crept up to the tippy-top of their sizes, this is when their clothes were conservative rather than grungy and hippified. I bought at the Gap because they sold baggy jeans and the “Big Oxford.” I need roomy clothes to be comfortable. I also like a casual but polished look. Actually I just want clothes that fit and don’t make me look like a hooligan or a woman. I’ve never been one to wear tight jeans like cowboys and Callista Flockhart. That seems now to be all they sell. Even when I was thin (before my decadent college years) I couldn’t stand tight clothes. I’m not sure if anyone who is not Drew Carey-sized and up would notice, but the selection gets pretty slim as you get into the large-and-in-charge sizes. As the sizes get larger the selection gets smaller. It got so that I couldn’t find what I wanted without going to the website, and even there plain old blue jeans in my size were almost always out of stock. There seems to be plenty of denim for you little bric-a-brac people but for brick outhouse people like me they can’t make pants. I was hoping that the Gap would open a store that would have only big and tall sizes and call it “the Gorge.” If they want to stay in business they should do just that. Those skinny fascists who market towards slackers who have no cash and relegate shlubby sizes to cyberspace where people who have money can’t try clothes on.
You’ll be glad to know I’m back in the realm of normal-sized pants. Women whom I have never met ask me to go dancing. Subway is begging me to eat their sandwiches as part of my diet so I can replace that melvin who is presently in their commercials. Unfortunately the Gap is floating belly-up in the pond of capitalism. I can’t shop there anymore – they have nothing on the shelves. It’s not unlike grocery shopping in the old Soviet Union. The people who work there are a little peppier though. That’s strange considering they have tumble-weeds rolling down the aisles. Old Navy, on the other hand, is a fabulous place to shop. The selection is great and the clothes don’t look like someone else has been wearing them for the past five years. Old Navy even has enormous sizes. You could wear the pants or you could cover your car with them. Jabba the Hut is a satisfied customer. Omar the Tent Maker couldn’t make bigger pants.
What’s going to solve the Gap’s problems? Here’s my modest proposal. All the execs should eat exclusively and rapaciously from these food groups: beer, cheese, things wrapped in bacon, and anything you can pick up with a chip. After six months of that they should try to buy Gap pants. When they can’t find pants big enough for their fascist fannies then they will turn it around. Then they can call me to help them get the weight off.