Now is the time to pour out your wrath upon your least favorite Christmas songs. The musically feeble, the quasi-blasphemous, the cringe-inducing, the silly…vent your righteous criticism in the comments box.
Here are some of mine:
“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” wasn’t funny the first time I heard it. It’s even less funny the hundredth.
“Wonderful Christmas Time,” by Paul McCartney. If it weren’t Paul McCartney, nobody would play this insipid ’70s synthesizer-driven trash. I note that Disney Corp.’s animatronic doll Hillary Duff has remade the song. Great! I look forward to hearing it in Macy’s!
“Santa Baby.” Creepy, creepy, creepy. Sexualizing a children’s fantasy is always bad.
“I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus.” Totally inappropriate and…oh, wait — I think this is only sung by the Gay Men’s Chorus of Washington. Nevermind.
“Last Christmas,” by George Michael. This guy was responsible for more than his share of bad ’80s lyrics (“Guilty feet ain’t got no rhythm”), and this is a choice example:
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
The very next day, you gave it away…
Ah, the cruelty of “regifting.”
There’s some hideous one about a toy that whirs and does all kinds of crazy stuff, and the chorus line is something like, “I never knew what it was/And I guess I never will.”
It is the most annoying piece of noxious tripe I’ve ever heard. Well, aside from John Kerry’s stump speeches.
Off the top of my head, Frosty the Snowman. Bad tune, sort of morbid. And the horrible thumpety-thumps. My family does a carolling party each year and the younger kids insist on it, though.
Ken, not only do I know which song you mean, I feel your pain: it’s on a tape of children’s songs sung by some dork hired by Disney. We listened to it nonstop from Virginia to Maine a couple of years ago, because it was the only music that would keep the kids quiet. It’s really the only time I’ve ever regretted having children.
Hands down, “Mary, Did you Know?”
Pretty tune, stupid lyrics.
The Marvelous Toy has nothing to do with Christmas: it’s just about a toy. Maybe for some people Christmas is about toys.
I’m gonna second Robert on “Mary Did You Know.” Everytime I hear it at my parents’ parish I want to stand up and scream, “This is heresy set to a maudlin tune!”
While shopping on Saturday I realized the songs were starting to repeat, and that’s probably a good sign that one is spending too much time in a store.
The one I miss the most is the one that goes “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” followed by a cavernous whistling sound. They don’t seem to play it any more… :-(
I third “Mary Didja Know”–“the Child whom you delivered, WOULD SOON DELIVER you.” When I cover it, I change the three above words to “HAVE SINCE DELIVERED”, using Dr. Hahn’s argument.
You may not have heard of this–but “Christmas at Denny’s” is my wife’s least favorite Christmas song. It’s not played on the radio–it’s a seminal song from Christian Contemporary Music pioneer Randy Stonehill. I appreciate where he was going, and I appreciate his daring do on addressing the depression that can occur during the holidays, but as a holiday song–no go.
I didn’t imply The Marvelous Toy was a legit Christmas tune, just one that gets some play on the airwaves at Christmas that is thoroughly noxious.
“Mary Did You Know,” I must disagree with the majority sentiment. Beautiful tune.
The “would soon deliver” versus “has since delivered” you argument, I’m not sure I’m following. A link to the alluded to theological argument underpinning that would be cool. It can be emailed to my addy as listed in my contact info.
+J.M.J+
I don’t care for “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town”. Ever notice that the whole song is one big threat? “You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout… be good for goodness sake!” Turns Santa Claus into a stick to browbeat kids into being good. (Though “You’ll get coal in your stocking!” is an empty threat anyway; I don’t think any parents actually do that. Of course, I could be wrong…).
Then there’s the way the song attributes almost God-like omniscience to Santa: “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good…”. You mean he’s constantly watching every child all over the world all year long? And we wonder why some Christians denounce Santa as a God-substitute; whether or not one totally agrees with them, they do sorta have a point.
Ironically, though I don’t care for the song’s lyrics, I do rather enjoy hearing Bruce Springsteen’s version. He makes even that song sound good! I may strongly disagree with his politics, but he’s quite an entertainer.
Worse than SCICTT, though, is the barking-dog version of “Jingle Bells” that came out about 20 years ago. And I agree about “Santa Baby”…ick!
In Jesu et Maria,
The barking dogs doing Jingle Bells is amusing. And honestly, shouldn’t a faux carol devised by the Unitarian Universalists s be relegated to the dogs anyway?
+J.M.J+
Yeah, it’s amusing the first time you hear it. But it got so much airplay when it first came out (at least where I live) that I just grew to dislike it.
Y’know, I know there are other Christmas songs I don’t like, but I just can’t think of them right now. I’m wracking my brain but the only thing that keeps coming up is Adam Sandler’s Chanukah Songs (I, II and III), but they’re not Christmas songs so they probably don’t count.
In Jesu et Maria,
The “Two Front Teeth” one mentioned above, with it’s manslaughter-inducing whistling, is my gold medalist. I hate, Hate, HATE that one. As in tear-the-stereo-out-and-become-a-Mennonite-in-protest hatred.
Anything sung in faux-little kid voices comes in second–like “Hippopotamus for Christmas”, which my wife adores. It also ruins the otherwise decent “Christmas Shoes” one that is popular at the moment.
And that one the Chipmunks “sing” dances nicely on my last nerve. Just awful all over.
+J.M.J+
Ah yes, I remembered (and found the lyrics to) another Christmas song I dislike: “I Believe in Father Christmas”, by (I think) Emerson, Lake and Palmer. This page has the lyrics:
http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/xmas/ibelieveinfatherchristmas.shtml
I guess the main reason I don’t like it is the song comes off as too whiny and self-pitying.
(And am I the only one who finds the last line kind-of ironic? He spends the whole song complaining about how past Christmases did not live up to his expectations – it rained rather than snowing, I saw through Santa Claus’ disguise – then he concludes by saying “The Christmas you get you deserve”. So is he saying he deserved to have crappy Christmases in the past?)
In Jesu et Maria,
So This Is Christmas has got to be at the top of the dreck list, along with Blue Christmas (or any other Elvis Christmas song).
Mele Kalikimaka can take a flying leap as far as I’m concerned, too.
And I also don’t care for Jingle Bells, or the other “winter” songs that are passed off as Christmas music.
Recta Ratio: The Yahoo Group, the more illustration-rich counterpart to my blog Recta Ratio, has lyrics to many carols I do like, or at least find amusing.
I do have a fondness for the Grinch Song, but that is just a holdover from childhood.
Dale, I second your rejection of the Chipmunks’ Christmas song. But then all of their music is annoying.
Geez louise, are you in a gripy mood, Eric. First, fishing for compliments about how holy you are and then going after George Michael, who for all of his numerous musical sins, the lyrics of “Careless Whisper” hardly rank among the Top 20.
And now the Chipmunks?!?!?! Eric, have I told you I can actually SING the Chipmunk Christmas song — in Chipmunkese? I must do it for you some time.
Of course the pop song “Mary, did you know” is awful.
The tune and phrasing are whiny, and the text proceeds from the conceit that we’re telling our Lady something we think She doesn’t know.
I agree. There are currently three radio stations in the area where I live that are playing four decades of the worst Christmas music ever, and it is starting to make me ill when I drive.
Add to you list; anything that proclaims the Nativity of the Lord and sounds like it was recorded in the BWI Airport lounge.
I agree. There are currently three radio stations in the area where I live that are playing four decades of the worst Christmas music ever, and it is starting to make me ill when I drive.
Add to you list; anything that proclaims the Nativity of the Lord and sounds like it was recorded in the BWI Airport lounge.
I can tell you my favorite, that is the funniest one I know: Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey. Only played on NYC radio stations, at least that’s the only place I’ve ever heard it. It’s a scream.
DOMINICK THE DONKEY (THE ITALIAN CHRISTMAS DONKEY)
(Allen / Merrell / Saltzberg)
Lou Monte – 1967
Hey! Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
It’s Dominick the donkey.
Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
The Italian Christmas donkey.
(la la la-la la-la la la la la)
(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)
Santa’s got a little friend,
His name is Dominick.
The cutest little donkey,
You never see him kick.
When Santa visits his paisons,
With Dominick he’ll be.
Because the reindeer cannot,
Climb the hills of Italy.
Hey! Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
It’s Dominick the donkey.
Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
The Italian Christmas donkey.
(la la la-la la-la la la la la)
(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)
Jingle bells around his feet,
And presents on the sled.
Hey! Look at the mayor’s derby,
On top of Dominick’s head.
A pair of shoes for Louie,
And a dress for Josephine.
The labels on the inside says,
They’re made in Brooklyn.
Hey! Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
It’s Dominick the donkey.
Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
The Italian Christmas donkey.
(la la la-la la-la la la la la)
(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)
Children sing, and clap their hands,
And Dominick starts to dance.
They talk Italian to him,
And he even understands.
Cumpare sing,
Cumpare su,
And dance ‘sta tarantel.
When jusamagora comes to town,
And brings du ciuccianello.
Hey! Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
It’s Dominick the donkey.
Chingedy ching,
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
The Italian Christmas donkey.
(la la la-la la-la la la la la)
(la la la-la la-la la-ee-oh-da)
Hey! Dominick! Buon Natale!
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
(hee-haw, hee-haw)
(hee-haw, hee-haw)