…[T]he saints agree with me. Surely you have read the Confessions of Saint Augustine and the extraordinary measures he took so as never to be alone with women. And Saint Ignatius of Loyola advised, “Have no relations with women, except those of the highest rank”.
Actually, I’m somewhat more liberal than our Catholic saints in this regard. Having friendly conversations with the ladies at work — even of a personal or religious nature — is not exactly what I mean by “friendships”. I do that too. But even these harmless encounters always have the *potential* for going further, where that is simply not the case with same-sex friendships (assuming heterosexuality). Being aware of that potential — and knowing that everyone else is aware of that potential even if you are Mr. Total Control — means avoiding even the appearance of intimate friendship with members of the opposite sex.
It isn’t merely lust. For men, what we call “sexual” attraction extends to the whole package of resplendent, radiant, magnetic femininity — a beautiful thing to behold, and a difficult thing to resist.
I am reading a biography of General Mariano Vallejo (one of the founding fathers of California) to my children in the evenings. We just finished the chapter about his courtship and marriage to his lovely wife, Francisca. In the old Spanish days of California, when our culture still embraced Catholic norms of behavior, a young man such as Vallejo was never permitted time alone with a young woman. Everything took place under the watchful eyes of their elders. Vallejo would quite literally seranade his beloved from the courtyard beneath her window, and occasionally recite some verses of poetry he had written for her. Along the same lines, no respectable woman of any class would appear in public alone. Maybe, just maybe, the old California padres knew something about relations between the sexes that we have forgotten.
I leave you with a final thought. If you love the Catholic ideals of femininity and chilvalry as I do, then you will not encourage too great a familiarity between the sexes. In our day men and women are thrown together in every occupation and circumstance, but this has not resulted in better relationships or stronger marriages. It has had precisely the opposite effect because it has eroded the mystery of the sexes and multiplied the opportunities for mischief, undermining the respect that each sex should have for the other.
So many meaty things to deal with here….
I believe we are called to do good rather than to avoid evil, though I recognize that to do good it is imperative to avoid evil. Merely finding a woman “attractive” is not sinful in itself, nor does it necessarily lead one away from God. Any attraction is potentially sinful, in that it can be a rival to God. I have met — and you have, too — people who transform harmless hobbies into personal religions, complete with metaphysics, doctrines, and devotional practices. I’m thinking of golfers, Star Trek devotees, UFO alienists, etc. Sex is a particularly strong rival to God in many people, but it is hardly the only one. If we excluded from our lives all potential idols, we would have nothing left.
Sts. Augustine and Ignatius were celibate clerics. The former accused himself of sinning as an infant — an impossibility in Catholic moral theology. Personal observations (Augustine) and pastoral advice (Ignatius) do not rise to the level of immutable truth. I don’t think the Holy Father would make a blanket statement like “Have no relations with women, except those of the highest rank.” He has spoken incessently about purifying human relations in all their forms from the malign influence of sin, whether the ties are economic, cultural, or intra-sexual. He seems to prefer strengthening human relationships with the guidance of revealed truth, not abandoning them as potentially harmful. You will find in many saints’ writings chaste intra-sexual friendships. Granted, they were normally conducted at an epistolary distance, but not always — heads of religious communities could and did work together in person.
If you take your views about male-female relations to an extreme, you get Saudi Arabia. I don’t mean that as an insult, simply as a description. They practice what you’re advocating in a near-perfect manner. Women have almost no opportunity to have any kind of contact with men they aren’t related to; their bodies and faces are hidden away under layers of fabric. Is that really a better way of living — and consistent with the Gospel?
Also, I’m wary of using any historical epoch as a template that should be imposed upon the present day. I have no problem with saying that many societies have been superior to our own in many respects; I agree that pre-American California was probably a more healthy place to raise children, especially girls. However, no age is a Golden Age, no place a Utopia, not here on Earth. Only in the New Jerusalem.
That being said, my daughter isn’t going to go on one-on-one dates while she is living under my tutelage. If I didn’t make it clear before, when you said that premarital relationships should mainly be a prelude to marriage or they should not be at all, we are like two peas in a pod (as long as those peas agree with us about courtship.) I just don’t think friendship is going to automatically lead to corruption, though we should be constantly on our guard, in that and in all our actions and relationships, sexual or otherwise.
As for your final point, granted. Having just spent time on the mixed-sex USS Iwo Jima, having men and women in such close proximity isn’t good for anybody, or for the important job they’re trying to do. The typical office environment is a little different, though; heck, since my female developer quit and Marketing moved upstairs, I work on an all-male floor. We’re even thinking of annexing the ladies’ restroom. I’ll keep everyone posted.