Section 1. The President shall have the authority to designate certain legal proceedings as "celebrity trials." These celebrity trials shall be known from the public attention they receive, and the nonexistent impact they have on the Nation's day-to-day life.
Section 2. The provisions of the First Amendment to the Constitution regarding these trials shall be considered null and void.
Section 3. The President shall direct the law enforcement agencies to suppress any publication or broadcast mentioning these celebrity trials. Any citizen attempting to publicize these trials shall be displayed in a public place with shackles and a sign reading "I find pleasure in humiliating others."
Section 4. No one shall ever mention Michael Jackson of Santa Barbara, California, ever again. No, not even his family.
